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Old Head in a New World

Welcome to the 21st century. Get your DSL connected to your LN, find your IR, and if you want to be able to see well, buy yourself a Mini-DVI to VGA Adapter so that you can hook up to a monitor. Don’t worry; we aren’t talking heart monitors here.

Of course, you should get in touch with an ISP or none of the above will be the least bit useful. I was asked to find my subnet mask during my foray into this brave new world. I looked everywhere, but I must have thrown it out with all the rest of the Halloween stuff. I really felt foolish when I was informed later that if I had used a DHCP with a manual address, I wouldn’t have needed the mask. How can my address be manual? Happily, I still rule my own Domain—I think. The DNS servers had nothing at all to say about why my lunch was late, which goes to show you that customer service has certainly gone downhill since the good old days. What can you expect from something called PPPoE? Someone wanted to know about my Proxy the other day. I was quick to reply that no one stands in for me, thank you very much.

I am perfectly capable of handling my own affairs with the help of a PDA. I’ve been informed that I won’t need a toothbrush to take care of my Bluetooth. That was great news since I hate going to the dentist. Moving swiftly from my teeth to my toes, I must tell you that I am very careful these days to watch where I step. There is something that bites on the loose called a “Giga.” I haven’t seen any of them yet, but I’m told it’s a Mega-infestation. On another note, the latest craze is learning to speak HTML. Some people prefer RTF or PDF. Personally, I like to Hyperlink through the FireWire to get to the Airport. Oddly enough, there aren’t any arrivals or departures. USB’s are interesting, but only if you have enough of them to facilitate Internet, Ethernet, and maybe even Dragnet. Of course, there isn’t any problem with the VCRs, CDs, and DVDs. I can’t imagine where you’ve been if you haven’t figured those out yet—some other planet like Netscape perhaps.

As for me, I’ve having my own challenges with the Toslink that connects to the DAT deck—and I’m not talking about privacy fences here. I ordered a DDR2 SO-DIMM, but it hasn’t come yet, which is probably a good thing because I have no idea what to do with it. After all the information overload, a Safari sounded like the perfect vacation, until I discovered that the one being advertised had nothing to do with lions, though I think there was a Tiger involved somehow. That put a quick end to my ambition of becoming an Internet Explorer. Until recently, I thought that a Dashboard was found in a car. Apparently, that’s not necessarily true. Mine’s right beside the Finder, close to the Entourage, though I can’t imagine why it would want to be associated with that crowd. Yahoo! On the plus side, my mail is hot and I’m just all a-google about it.

If you’ve read this far, you are a better man than I am—which isn’t hard because I’m not a man. If you’re confused by what you’ve read, welcome to the club. The only problem with not having grown up with all this techno-babble is that it makes it very difficult for me to read the instructions that came with the book I bought that turns out not to be a real book at all. Perhaps I should reinstall my software. After that, I’ll go into Sleep Mode in the hopes that by tomorrow, through the miracle of modern technology, someone will have added to my memory.

by Lynda Schultz